The future father of my children…is going to be a Dad :D

Due 3rd May 2014

“I wanted a Big Yellow Teapot but I got a Red Mushroom!

I do not see my sisters very often. When I do spend time with them I am reminded of how nuts they are.

There is always a tendency to reminisce when family and old friends get together and my trip to Northern Ireland was no different.

We were enjoying watching Baby TV with my nephew and giggling about our own childhoods.

Christmas was a popular topic and we all found ways of torturing our parents in our own unique ways.

We all had experience of coveting the most wanted Christmas gift – making it extremely difficult for poor Mum and Dad searching for “Keepers”, “Mr Frosty”, “My Little Pony”, “Care Bears”, “Polly Pocket’s” and many others. But we also recalled some more specific problems we caused during the season of good will to all men.

I started to ball rolling when I walked to the post office to personally post my letter to Santa. When Mum and Dad suggested I write my list they were informed that I had written to Santa and that he knew so they didn’t need to worry about it.

My younger sister asked for what sounded like a “tuck” – Mum and Dad didn’t know either. She received a Truck but to this day no one actually knows what she asked for and whether this gift made the grade – but I must hand it to my parents for not permitting gender stereotypes to dissuade them from their purchase.

As we giggled our way through this discussion my baby sister was most indignant when she said “You think you had problems – I asked for a Big Yellow Teapot but I got a Red Mushroom”.

It is amazing how these experiences are both unique and universal. Christmas was also a time when we were close as a family and it’s amazing to think that these fond memories keep us close after all this time.

We did not choose to be divided or predict where our lives would be today but I love my little sisters to bits.

Sometimes in life we get the big yellow teapot we asked for and sometimes we realise that the Big Red Mushroom is a great alternative.

The List

I was reminded last night when reading baby sisters blog of the all important list!

A fantasy for married people. This is a list of the famous people who, asuming they arrive on your doorstep for a booty call you are permitted to put your relationship to one side for an evening and temporarily place your wedding ring in your back pocket.

My list is as follows:

1/ Antonio Banderas

2/ Brad pitt

3/ Green Day – yes they do so count as one!

4/Jason Momoa (Drogo from G.O.T.)

5/ Josh Holloway (Sawyer from Lost)

 

Who would make the final cut in your list?

Game of Thrones Exhibition

Dear Game of Thrones,

I am terribly sorry that I had to do this by letter and please realise that this is harder for me that it will be for you; but our relationship just isn’t working out for me. It didn’t have to end this way, but due to your conduct lately I feel it needs to be done. If I am totally honest I feel betrayed and your latest screw up is the final straw.

I take none of the responsibility for this, as it is entitely your fault that we must go our separate ways. To be honest I have always felt like second best. After all, you only ever came to me after being with your American viewers – yes I do know about that, and I have always known, but still I forgave you because I always felt so good when we were together.

I feel you have neglected me and that is what is keeping me from being able to continue this toxic & obsessive relationship. Of course it will not take you long to move on and find a new conquest – probably from Toronto, New York, Sao Paolo, Amsterdam or Belfast, someone that can deal with you standing them up; like when you disappeared for a whole week mid season. And don’t think I have forgotten your cruel practical joke on April 1^st, when you lied to me and said that Peter Dinklage was to be replaced by Warwick Davis. In fact it seems that you always disappear for months on end and expect to find me waiting for you when you eventually return to grace me with your presence.

But the final straw was when I learned of your G.O.T. exhibition, you cannot begin to understand my disappointment. Oh yes, I’ve seen the photos, they’re all over the damn internet. It looks like a fabulous time was had by all – including my little sister – how could you? Yes I have seen the pictures she posted on Facebook; looks like she made herself quite comfortable on the Iron Throne when you were in Belfast.

But I am not a jealous person, I applauded your success and immediately after discovering the existence of the exhibition I happily tapped away at my laptop trying to find out how I could attend to show my support, only to discover that I was to be excluded.

I will miss our Monday nights together. Remember the time you introduced me to Drogo? Or the Whitewalkers? I was there for the birth of the dragons and of course there was the time that you took me to the Red Wedding.

I am glad we are going in our separate directions. In time we may be friends again – perhaps in time for the next season. No doubt you will not struggle to find someone new who will love you as I have done.

I wish you happiness and success.

Zehira

If you want to read about the G.O.T. exhibition look here: http://game-of-thrones-exhibition.com/

If you need to draft a break up letter to someone look here: http://www.dumb.com/breakups/

Meet the Bings

Comedy Central has kept FFOMC and I entertained today with reruns of Friends. But each weekend they select a theme to inform the episode choices and today “Meet the Bings” was the title. Monica and Chandler took centre stage as 10 years worth of reruns walked audiences through the various stages of their relationship.

I would love to do this with my own life. It would be pretty amazing to revisit my “greatest hits”.

I have had great fun reminiscing and coming up with my own selected episodes outlining how our relationship has grown over the years.

• The one when we first met. I walked into the pub where he worked in full 80’s costume ready for a theme night out with his best friend. He greeted us with frizzy hair standing on end and chef whites stained with a colourful range of sauces. We were equally unimpressed.
• The one with the nachos. FFOMC used to pay regular visits to the cinema where I worked before we got together. He got into a habit of bringing in nachos that we would munch together in the back row before the film started.
• The one when we got together. He and some other friends came to keep me company while I was house-sitting. We spent the whole night talking and the entire next day together.
• The one with the car crash. He met my parents when my dad was in a car crash and we made a sudden trip over to check he was OK.
• The one with the bad karaoke. FFOMC discovered his own personal hell when he attended a karaoke evening where a group of musical theatre students performed Queens Bohemian Rhapsody.
• The one with the graduation. I walked out in my graduation robes to discover him in a shirt and tie with ill fitting faded jeans and leather jacket combo.
• The one when I got a job away from home. A six month acting contract living away from home was a great opportunity but it was really hard being away from each other for so long.
• The one with the friendship rings. It was hard being separated because of work so during a short break we exchanged friendship rings to symbolise our commitment to each other.
• The one with the engagement. Decision made to get married we made the trip to Norn Iron so FFOMC could ask my father’s permission. When they were left alone Dad simply turned to him and said “you can have her”.
• The one when we moved into our flat. Just three months before we tied the knot we found our own place together. We have lived here ever since.
• The one with the hen and stag nights. Messy! FFOMC started drinking at noon before heading to a comedy club in London and I had a Vicar and Whores themed evening with my friends in a restaurant followed by a local nightclub.
• The one with the wedding. The best day of our lives, so far!

Great days. Wonderful memories. And the best is yet to come.

 

Something to look forward to…

In our darkest moments it always helps if we have something nice to look forward to.

FFOMC and I have not booked anything for our summer vacation in August yet so we are both starting to feel anxious about securing some quality time together. We decided that as we both have some time off coming up we will be enjoying a traditional English break in Brighton with two exceptionally good friends.

I booked it this evening and I must admit that as soon as my computer screen pinged to life confirming my booking, I started to relax almost immediately. Its strange how something so small can make such a huge difference to ones outlook. No matter how difficult the next few days will be – I can look forward to a lovely mini break that will signal the end to all the madness that accompanies this time of year.

 

Good Cop Bad Cop

Word of advice…

…do NOT play good cop bad cop with a Drama teacher.

Our job is to read your body, facial expressions and tone of voice. We will know if it is a performance and you will look a bit of a dipstick.

It will also make it difficult for us to build a relationship with you based on trust.

This has happened to me a few times recently and has not generated the anticipated outcome of the participants. If you want to tell me off be honest about it and I will respect you more. Showcasing your poor acting skills is not generally a successful means of “getting through to me” in fact it generally manages to bring out my rebelious side even more.

The situations I am referring to are hardly life altering and I do not wish to appear difficult, but I hate politics. Say ot like it is and dont play games.

That is all.

Fantasy Cast List – My brothers in law

The family has spoken and a decision has been made. I can now reveal the celebrities who would play the partners of my two sisters in the movie version of my life.

Baby sister’s husband would be played by: MEATLOAF

Alan scooped my baby sister up like a Bat out of Hell and she thinks he is a Dead ringer for Love

Middle sisters partner would be played by: WWE STAR JOHN CENA

Gentle Giant Roy may have a wrestlers build but he still hasnt managed to pin down my sister – where’s the ring?

For earlier posts about my fantasy cast list check out the following links:

https://zehirablog.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/which-actor-would-play-you-in-the-dramatisation-of-my-life/

https://zehirablog.wordpress.com/2013/02/24/fantasy-cast-list-my-family/

Fantasy Cast List – My Family

My recent post about a fantasy cast list for the film version of my life has had the unexpected side effect of sparking some spirited debate amongst my family members. So it is with great pleasure that I can reveal the fantasy cast list for my immediate family in the film version of my life story:

Dad played by Jim Broadbent
The blustering Father of Bridget Jones would be a perfect fit for my own well meaning Dad who is such a romantic himself that he has set unrealistic expectations of his three girls for their own partners in life.

Mum to be played by Felicity Kendal
Famous for her role in the Good Life also starring recently departed Ruchard Briers, Felicity’s portrayal of Barbara is an almost perfect match for my Mum’s practical and easy going approach to life – although my Mum would never grow her own veg in the backyard!

Sheridan Smith to play Sister 1
Her quirky role as Janet from “Two Pints of Largar and a Packet of Crisps” particularly in the infamous ‘pasty’ episode is – I am told ‘exactly the sort of thing she would do’

Amy Adam to play Sister 2
The wide eyed romantic, ballgown wearing, constantly singing vision of niavity and hopefullness certainly captures the wistful personality of the youngest born of our family unit.

So there it is. Next to undergo the fantasy cast list treatment my extended family! Watch out brother and sister in laws!!!

For earlier posts about my Fantasy Cast list check out:

https://zehirablog.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/which-actor-would-play-you-in-the-dramatisation-of-my-life/

The future father of my children…shortlist under consideration

Despite much competition for this role, there is one candidate who towers above all the rest and seems to warrant an interview for the position of the future father of my children although I am still awaiting word from Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt!

The candidate in question married me in July 2004. He has been a steadfast partner in all aspects of my life ever since. Taking marriage out of the equation, we have had 14 wonderful years together and have experienced the highs and lows associated with any long term relationship and stuck it out.

He has his flaws, for example he is not a traditional ‘romantic’ (more to follow at a later date) but he does value the little things that are really important. He is not a hearts and flowers guy, but he does know that I like an energy drink in the morning and will always leave me one; not in the fridge, but on our kitchen countertop, because he knows that I prefer it room temperature rather than chilled.

He also knows which side of the bed I prefer, leaves me in peace when I am catching up on Coronation Street, demonstrates considerable patience when I talk about work, helps me learn three part harmonies for my musical endeavours, (often learning both male and female parts), he supports me in my work life and turns up to major events and (grudgingly) endures my hobbies (particularly my love of theatre), he has also embraced my family and passed the Mother-in-law test.

He is a ‘Good Husband’.

If I was to quibble and pick holes I would I occasionally like to receive flowers; although I love that the things he does value carry more importance.

Should Mr Banderas or Mr Pitt apply for the role of the Future Father of my Children (henceforth known as FFOMC) then they would need to demonstrate equal or superior tolerance of my quirks. For example: Corrie, Eastenders and Emmerdale are as much a part of my life as my job; low betide anyone who attempts to separate me from them – the choice for the FFOMC is learn to love them as much as me or play WOW in the next room.

The current candidate is already loved by my family and we plan to go away with my parents for a short break within the next year.  Mr Banderas and Mr Pitt would still have to prove themselves to my nearest and dearest.

My side of the bed is the one furthest away from the door btw so that my husband can protect me in the event of a burglary – obviously this is not negotiable. I have also mentioned boyfriend/girlfriend sing-along nights before on my blog and although I appreciate that this is particularly quirky it is important to me that a prospective FFOMC, will need to accept and adapt to my neurosis and ‘man-up’ when the occasion demands that he offer assistance with my more frivolous needs.

As I write this I am realising that I am a tad high maintenance – as I have no plans to change it appears even more important that the FFOMC undergoes a rigorous screening process.

For earlier posts about FFOMC check out:

https://zehirablog.wordpress.com/2013/01/23/the-future-father-of-my-children-is-my-soul-mate