The future father of my children…has some questionable role models

13 03 2013

role_models

We all have our role models – people we admire or maybe even aspire to be like one day.

When it comes to parenting I have a number of inspiration women I look up to. I would like to have Super nanny Jo Frost’s patience and common sense approach to parenting, but mixed with Delia Smith’s no nonsense approach to cooking. I wouldnt mind sharing Anthea Turners adept skills as the perfect homemaker as long as I was as cool as Mum as Sharon Osborne and despite their flaws I have always admired the passion and sense of responsibility Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie’s have twards their beloved children. If I can find a method for combining the virtues of all these women I think I would make one hell of a Mother.

FFOMC also has many role models. To be fair to him most of the people he aspires to be like one day have admirable qualities that would be beneficial for a future father. By way of example: FFOMC is a fan of Gordon Ramsey and I must admit that if they shared the same culinary flair in the kitchen, I would be the last person to complain.

Equally I would love FFOMC to make ‘Geek’ look as cool as Gaming fanatic Chris Metzen or for him to have the creativity and passion of JJ Abrams or Joss Whedden. If his passion for writing turned him into the next Robert Jordan I would value the fcat that he could have a job he was passionate about while still working from home (which would compliment his role as ‘house husband’). I would be his No.1 groupie if he had the musical ability of Kurt Cobain or James Hepfield and I would not object if he had Alan Sugar’s finances prowess.

However – while I could live with the role models listed above there are some father figures he admires who I find a little more troubling.

First is a comic character; unemployed, daytime television fanatic and jammie dodger enthusiast…

…Jonny Keogh:

From BBC sitcom Two Pints of Larger and a Packet of Crisps. FFOMC loves this hapless and eccentric husband of Janet and father of baby “Corinthian McVitie Keogh”. The name of his child may say it all without furthir explanation! FFOMC’s favourite episode of this series features a heart wrenching decision Jonny must make about how to spend the £1000 prize he wins on a scratch card. Following much deliberation by Jonny and speculation by his nearest and dearest his final decision is to hire the character of Bungle for the day, from children’s TV program Rainbow who comes with a free bouncy castle – this is apparently a more obvious choice than the engagement ring girlfriend Janet is expecting.

Moving on to a man who has a young family…

…Homer Simpson:

This beer swilling working class stereotype somehow manages to hold down a steady job at a Nuclear Power Plant which appears to come with minimal responsibilities (unexpected for a Safety Inspector), but he is unintelligent, crude, incompetent, overweight and his negligent attitude towards his offspring should surely warrant some sort of red flag on the Social Services radar. I am 100% confident that it is not OK to strangle your children for poor behaviour and Homer’s over-reliance on Duff beer must be a cause of some concern for his long suffering wife Marge.

But what happens when the kids are a little older?

Apparently FFOMC will become Modern Family man like…

Phil Dunphy:

Phil’s unique approach to “peer-anting” seems to be the major appeal for FFOMC (rather than Phil’s love of Musical Theatre as seem in his attempts to recreate scenes from High School Musical). “Peer-anting” is based on the premise that kids respond well to a ‘cool’ parent who just ‘gets them’ – becauseall adults know that having a high ‘coolness’ rating is a fool proof strategy for commanding respect and engaging with teenage kids who obviously know that adults are – deep down – just like them – errr NOT!

Another favourite of FFOMC is My Family’s…

… Ben Harper:

This Scrooge like character has one primary objective in life – to get his almost adult children to leave home. Should FFOMC and I embark on the journey that is parenting it is of some concern that he already has half his mind on them flying the nest – a simpler solution may be to stay as we are – childless – to avoid the unnecessary burden of spending years trying to rid ourselves of any offspring we produce n just over 18 years time.

But surely – when the kids have flown the nest I can look forward to weekends with the Grandchildren and we can enjoy a peaceful and rewarding retirement reaping what we have sown. NO! Because then I will have to contend with…

…Victor Meldrew:

The original grumpy old man; forced into early retirement at the age of 61, his main goal in life seems to be to torment his poor wife and catalogue the many slings and arrows life tosses his way. He is often misunderstood and usually the victim of incredible bad luck resulting in his much loved and quoted catch phrase “I don’t believe it”.

This is not exactly the life I have mapped out for myself and FFOMC may need to seriously reconsider his role models.

I have made an executive decision that I will be the FFOMC’s mentor in this area and recommend more suitable role models for him.

For now and purely because I understand that the process of making babies, (a necessary evil all future parents must force themselves to endure), involves a level of intimacy; I will be recommending that he become aquainted with a certain Mr Grey and model his behaviour accordingly.

I have no doubt that I can direct him towards more suitable role models for later stages in our lives as parents as and when circumstances demand.

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27 03 2013

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